I don’t know how to talk about it.

But my heart is so broken and heavy.

I didn’t realize until the last couple years that my tendency is to ignore hard conversations and topics that I don’t know how to address or are super controversial. I sometimes try to put a comforting blanket over them and pretend they’re not happening. Mostly with things that feel out of my control. I don’t think I’m alone in doing that either. That’s a privilege a lot of us have. The whole saying of ‘ignorance is bliss’ felt real. And now it just sounds like the most selfish thing I could ever say. At least when it comes to everything going on. Name something shitty going on around us in the world and it will apply to what I’m talking about. 

I used to be able to say “I just don’t like politics” and that was my way out. But I know too much now. I can’t just be anti-racist anymore. I have to be active. Somehow.

But I don’t. know. how.

Is voting enough? That’s a start but it sure as hell isn’t enough. 

My heart aches for the oppressed and marginalized groups, but also for those on the ‘other side’. I have family and friends who are in law enforcement and are nowhere close to being like those officers who killed George Floyd. They are in shitty positions trying to navigate the questions from their community like ‘what are you going to do about this?’ and are at the protests and riots getting injured and sometimes killed, too. The good ones who are doing their job, protecting, advocating, supporting, are thrown under the same umbrella as the ones who are doing so much wrong. For a while (and sometimes still) I felt so torn about ‘which side’ do I stand on. But I don’t feel that anymore. I can hear, stand with, cry with and support the black community by not remaining silent AND still hate violence and love my police officer friends and family who I’m honestly so deeply afraid for and pray Jesus protects them every second I think about them being out there actually doing their job during all of this. 

My heart aches. And it doesn’t stop at politics. 

This is another ache, a different ache- This week I’ve been reading a lot of stories of mamas whose babies are going to heaven way too early. And I am finding myself sitting in my room with Sage asleep next to me, not being able to stop crying for them and feeling so helpless. I can’t just silently pray for them anymore though. I have to say something to them now. When we were facing unknowns with Sage’s heart, it was so powerful getting messages of prayers and encouragement from people I knew intimately and from people I haven’t talked to in over 15 years or even at all. 

It has felt odd and uncomfortable sometimes posting such happy things in the midst of everything going on. Like my heart is so heavy trying to wrap my mind around everything and then I shift focus and my attention fully falls on Sage. Then I’ll take a photo or video of him that makes my heart melt and I want to post it and then suddenly feel like I shouldn’t. 

I’m fighting against the feeling of guilt when I get wrapped up in the joys of my sweet Sage and temporarily forget about the things going on around me. And then I feel guilty at the fact that I actually can do that- forget about things going on as if they’re not happening. Again, there’s my privilege. But I don’t want to forget anymore and shut it out. That’s part of the problem. I also don’t want to feel guilty about embracing my Sagey boy and all the joy he’s bringing into the most screwed up 2020 there ever was. What’s the balance? Does anyone actually know? 

My exhaustion over feeling an intense range of emotions is nothing compared to those who are so exhausted of the shit they are facing every day in America and have been for so long. That’s what I want to keep reminding myself. I know a lot of people are going to read this and say “you shouldn’t let these things rob you of your joy! Especially being a first time mom!” And while I agree, I want to be continually reminded that things I’m feeling in all of this are a fraction, a tiny tiny fraction, of what others are feeling and experiencing in a much more intense way. 

When Sage is older and can understand a little bit about this history, I want to say that happened when you were born. That is the kind of leadership we had in this country. That is why I felt intense sadness, fear, anxiety, joy and peace all at the same time.

I am going to do what I can to educate myself more about racism and topics surrounding it. I want to be able to talk about it, identify it, call it what it is. I want to do better for Sage so him and his generation can do it differently. Can do it better. 

I can do better. 

We can do better.